Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
my first dose meeting my second
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726