At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
You Might Also Like
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass