Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
You Might Also Like
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Krampus.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.