life finds a way
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’m going to need a moment here.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’