Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
You Might Also Like
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.