Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on