pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge