Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Meeeee too!
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*