WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
not to brag, but mine was free
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Mouse
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.