A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.