If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.