As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.