Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
getting groceries
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
It’s a gift
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.