My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic