Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My dad is at it again
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol