I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
This trial is so absurd 😭
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too