The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.