[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Finally
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second