Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.