Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
You Might Also Like
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?