me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter