Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
You Might Also Like
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.