Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.