*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Gods work.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.