Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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mom had nothing to worry about
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.