5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.