astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
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My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
so this horse walks into a bar
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
We’re all getting idioter.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.