Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.