It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
just witnessed a drug deal
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
i smell a pulitzer
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer