How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Just why bro?!
Check your privilege
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.