My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.