I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Blew my mind.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?