Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
get you a girl who
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain