I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The two types of wives
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
A completely valid reaction tbh
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”