BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
You Might Also Like
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Twitter is an abusement park.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Found the job I’m suited for
m’lady
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.