I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away