buys donuts instead
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”