Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.