Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Just a reminder, folks:
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.