Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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dam girl
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted