Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside