Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
mood
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.