the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
become ungovernable
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
this could fix me
Don’t forget to tip your server
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.