I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.