The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.