[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
You Might Also Like
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”