I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.