Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
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Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.