For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
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Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.