When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My typo game is string.